The Perfect Father's Day Gift

As Father’s Day approaches us moms at the rate of a speeding commuter train while, metaphorically speaking, T-ball, soccer practice and laundry tie us down to the tracks of life, our heads begin spinning with the question: What should the kids buy for Father’s Day?

This year I tried to remember Father’s Day, to no avail. After celebrating this patriarchal holiday during Labor Day last year, I spent a great deal of time putting Father’s Day reminders on my Treo for bi-weekly intervals, starting January 1. This worked out perfectly for the first three months. As my phone rang with the reminder, I would pick it up and pretend that Santa was on the phone. The kids would immediately stop fighting, with their fists in mid-swing, and listen intently as I tattled on my sons. However, amidst the chaos of kids and chores, I quickly forgot why I put the Father’s Day reminder on my Treo, and hence, deleted it.

So, Father’s Day is upon us. Since my imagination has run dry (the wine helps with that), I have decided to opt for The Tie.

This year I will educate my children about The Tie’s endless uses. First, I will explain to them that dads are extensive multi-taskers, sometimes to the point of stupidity. Dads can, simultaneously, talk on the phone with their boss, outline a department budget, quell a sibling fight on their cell phone, write a company memo and eat a sloppy McBurger, all while switching shoes and slipping on a pair of gym shorts from behind their desks. This is why dads are such messy eaters. Thus, when shopping, it is important to consider The Tie as an accessory AND as a bib. 

Second, I will explain that The Tie helps Dad with his late-afternoon job. The job starts out with a phone call to his other boss, the mom, to make sure that they are both “on the same page” - this is code for “Dad’s To Do List.” This list starts with a run to the grocery store for something gross like tofu. However, dads are smart. Knowing that tofu is on the dinner menu, dads compensate by also purchasing a bag of beef jerky, a super-sized chocolate bar, and a six-pack of root beer. This is just enough to hold him over while he drives to the pet store. The Tie, of course, serves as a napkin. Of course, the pet store is located at the other end of the county where they exclusively sell the only dog food that Spot can eat – the pretentious and expensive organic dog food that doesn’t render nights of listening to hacking and vomiting at the foot of the bed. Next, Dad makes a run to the pharmacy to pick up Mom’s birth control pills (this one is a definite priority!) and then drives off into the sunset, to pick up the kids at the after-school program. If the dad forgets about the pharmacy run, often he remembers it after loading the hungry, screaming kids into the family van. So, it is back to the pharmacy.

Keeping all of this in mind, I will teach my kids that The Tie should substitute as a Super Napkin Dad Cape. It should be the kind of Tie that flaps in the summer wind as Dad drives around in the minivan with the windows down, harkening back to his kid-less days when he drove a convertible sports car. You know, back when he smiled more.

Finally, as the family settles into the house, Dad’s night job begins while The Tie goes into transformer mode. Blood stains on the kid’s knee? Not a problem! Dad puts a little magic daddy spit on The Medical Tie and wipes it away! The daughter is dateless for the upcoming prom! The Super-Absorbent Tie is there to clean up the tears. The little one wants Dad to pretend he is a horse. The Magical Dad Tie doubles as horse reins. Then, after Dad takes off The Tie, the teen-age boy notices that it also serves as a Cool Headband Tie while doing air guitar. Uh oh, now there is dog puke on the floor.  No problem! With Dad’s Super Cleanup Tie and a lazy teenager, the floor is sparkling clean.

Thus, The Tie that my kids will pick out will work as the ultimate stain-lifter, provide hours of entertainment, spot clean floors and be super-absorbent for all those tears.

Something tells me, though, if I can’t get the kids to the mall to find The Tie, my husband will be perfectly content if I get the kids to bed early so that we can sneak away to the bedroom for a slice of pepperoni pizza with Casino Royale in the DVD player. For a surprise, I might even wear one of his old, clean ties (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

Comments

[Paloma Campos]

Do you know what goes perfect with a tie?! A cordless powerdrill! That is what I got my dad amongst dark chocolate and organic Chiapas coffee. Sporting a nice tie and experiencing a caffiene and sugar high plus using a powerdrill! What could be better than that?!

[Paloma Campos]

I am afraid I have lost my mind. Please delete the first comment as the second one is redundant, but complete. How could I have forgotten the word "chocolate"? Please forgive me Chocolate and let me eat you.

[Cztheday]

First comment deleted my dear. Has Anthony ever heard you talk to Chocoloate like that? Sounds kinda kinky.

And what could be better than a tie, dark choc, coffee and a power drill? Hmmm? How about 15 gorgeous, half-naked Italian men cleaning my house.

[Paloma Campos]

Anthony loves Chocolate just as much as I do... We have threesomes all the time.

I have one gorgeous Italian man who occasionally dries my dishes and takes out the trash. Does that count?

[Paloma Campos]

Anthony loves Chocolate just as much as I do... We have threesomes all the time.

I have one gorgeous Italian man who occasionally dries my dishes and takes out the trash. Does that count?

[Gab]

It counts for you!

[MadonnaFan]

I think a nice Italian suit goes perfect with a tie. Preferably on an Italian man (or woman).

[Spiffy]

Gabster, you're so damn skinny that Joe probably woudln't be able to find you behind one of his ties.