ALL the news in ONE blog! How convenient.

Warning: The Earth is Dying.

Meanwhile: Britney Spears drives through a red light.

Here we go again: Another oil spill. First San Francisco, then the Black Sea. Billions of sea life dead. Don't eat the crab!

On the flip side: Alicia Keys' MySpace sight is hacked.

Oh, but wait: Bush supports his relationship with Musharraf and calls him an ally, because he doesn't want to look like the fool spending $10 million on protecting Pakistan's nuclear warheads. That one doesn't make sense – considering Musharraf just released 28 Taliban soldiers from prison this week, put Bhutto under house arrest and imprisoned lawyers in Pakistan who support democracy. This is Bush's ally? This scares me.

Important! Norman Mailer, a man who stabbed number two wife (out of six) and believed that women should be kept in cages, died. Great writer … greater prick.

As a side note: Over one million people have died due to the Iraq war and 500,000 war veterans are homeless.

Hold the press! Stagehands blame Theater Management for the strike. Theater Management blames the Iraq war. Hey, the blame has to go somewhere!

Oh no! Date rape drug inside recalled toy Aqua Dots. I have to throw my son's toy out. He put those beads in his mouth. I know! Let's make the Chinese toy manufacturers eat the Aqua Dots, and then we'll prick them all!

But, wait: Jerry Seinfeld's Bee Movie brings in $26M over the Weekend. Meanwhile, Seinfeld promotes his wife's cookbook. I saw him on Letterman. It was a lot like watching QVC, "Now I'm selling this … now I'm doing that … go see my movie!" Ugh.

Meanwhile: South Africa displaces poverty-stricken post-apartheid residents in order to create soccer camps for the 2010 World Cup. Disgusting.

BREAKING NEWS! Victoria Beckham has a 23-inch waist. Who gives a f***. Apparently Barbara Walters does. Maybe Dan Rather should teach that old bag a few lessons on valuable journalism.

Today in the news: More children are left behind from the No Child Left Behind program. We're screwed.

Interesting! Giuliani, the cross-dressing ex-mayor of New York, gets evangelical support from Fat Pat Robertson. Eeeewwww!

Finally, we must not forget:

To thank our WWII veterans, who fought a war against a man who believed that his race and religion was superior to the rest of the world. At Hitler's command, thousands upon thousands of innocent people died. Hitler created a senseless war, to govern more countries, to own more resources, to boost Germany's defense spending, and to inflict his belief system on the rest of the world. The similarities are frightening, aren't they?