Tips on Surviving the Great Depression

I’m a writer, which according to my mom, is a nice hobby.

According to my mom, I “own” a PR/Communications business, which according to me is an impressive way of saying “I can do anything with words, even prostitution. Just pay me. Any amount will do.”

So, how does a writer get through this depression?

Well, what follows is my six-point strategy for making and/or saving and/or wanting money and still having time for hanging out at Facebook (or FunnyOrDie, or MySpace, or the local Dominos, which, in my case, happens to have a broken Galaga arcade game where I can get multiple games for free).

Point One: Advertise your services on Craigslist. On Mondays, I advertise under writing services. If no work comes in, by Friday I go to eBay and sell off a wrench or two from my husband’s workbench.

What? That man hasn’t lifted a tool since George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, which by the way never happened.

Point Two: Save energy. Every day I go through the house and turn off every light, every electronic gizmo and unplug the items I’m not using. Then I lock myself in my office, and turn on my three computers, a printer, a television, a boom box, and an electric room heater to keep my office at a balmy 82 degrees for my pit bull/office mate and me.

Point Three: Scrimp on groceries. According to my mom, during the depression her family got by on potatoes and pasta. Yet, her family always managed to embellish these simple meals with meat that Grandpa would barter for with fruit that he stole from the local fruit vender. And, of course, Grandpa, as he did work for the bootleggers, managed to bring home the occasional bottle of brain-numbing liquid. This helped him and Grandma forget that there was a depression, which leads me to Point Four.

Point Four: Drink more. Ignorance truly is bliss.

Point Five: Don’t complain about the depression. We’re all feeling it – we’re all broke. Talk about the fun things – like getting lucky … or wanting to get lucky. Hey, maybe we’ll even be a little sober and might remember a few things you’ve said.

Point Six: Go into Bunker Mode. Again, advice from my mom: keep to your self and don’t make friends with strangers. People that you think you can trust will start to steal from you. That is unless you steal from them first. Yes, the best place to make friends is online, in the virtual world, where no one is really who they are. Finally, it’s acceptable to have invisible friends!

So there you have my six-point strategy for surviving the Great Depression of the 21st Century! Please, if you are an invisible friend, let me know how these tips work out for you!