On July 31, 2009, President Obama, Vice President Biden, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and police Sgt. James Crowley met under the guise of beer drinkers to observe what the White House is calling “a teachable moment.” I might add, in addition to the beer, they munched on peanuts and pretzels, perfectly aware that the odds of another goon choking on a pretzel while at the White House was pretty darn slim.
First, I’d like to give kudos to Obama for devising such a genius White House event. Every teachable moment should include a beer. Beer begets wisdom, which begets peace, which begets a nice long nap. Oh, I forgot, beer also begets nachos. That’s important to know.
So, what follows is my breakdown of current rifts in the United States, and the beer that I think would go well for each teachable moments.
U.S. – Afghanistan War – Since this war is actually the U.S. vs. Iraq War, because some goon believed that Iraq had WMD, this teachable moment should include a beer that really isn’t what it claims to be: Corona. That’s right. Budweiser strong-armed Corona and bought it out, which is exactly what Bush did to Iraq.
Illegal Immigration – Corona Light, of course. It’s the only thing that narrow-minded, racist Americans like about Mexicans. Wait – it’s not a Mexican beer. Never mind.
Neo-Nazi Movement – I believe that Obama should invite these skinheads to the White House for a Heineken and explain to them that they, too, are like Heinekens. See, they are Americans, who were made in America, but want to be German, much like the Dutch, who make Heineken, want to be German. Additionally, like the crisp Hispanic flavor of the Heineken, these Neo Nazi’s could have a little of the non-white blood in them, too.
Health Care vs. Republicans – Pipeline Porter would be ideal for this “Teachable Moment.” Pipeline Porter, made at the Kona Brewery in Hawaii, is made with coffee. So, you can’t get drunk – just slightly buzzed with a rapid heartbeat. It gives a completely new meaning to “Wake Up and Smell the Coffee,” which is exactly what the right-wingers need to do. They need to wake up and realize that America needs affordable healthcare. Period. End. Otherwise … there will be no beer. More people will get sick and die. And you can’t drink beer when you’re dead.
Palin’s Resignation – I think any beer will do for this Celebratory … I mean Teachable Moment. What have we learned from Ms. Palin? That true leaders can stand up to scrutiny and that faux leaders only do well with a well-crafted script. We’ve also learned that we should make fun of stupid people, because eventually they’ll run away. Cheers!
Beer is a gift of God, and I believe was never really valued as a teachable drink. Benjamin Franklin has even said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” In other words, teachable moments should be happy moments, draped under the influence of drunken denial and ignorance. Yes, I believe that that is what B.F. was trying to say.
Here’s to beer and wisdom!
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