Dear Tina Fey, what's the rudest question to ask a mom?

Oh, Tina Fey, I love you! I admire you! Next to my children, you are one of my greatest inspirations!

However, regarding your most recent article in The New Yorker, I must disagree. 

In your latest piece cleverly titled, “Confessions of a Juggler,” you write that the rudest question anyone can ask is not, “When do you plan to lose the baby weight?” but rather “How do you juggle it all?”

Um. Seriously?

I don’t know, Tina. For me, I would much rather prefer a question that garners my insight than to have someone insinuate that I have an ass the size of Texas.

Really? That’s an offensive question?

Maybe you need a girls’ night out with my besties. On those rare occasions, when me and my parent friends can align all the planets, part the waters, WALK on water for that matter, and arrange for all of us to meet at one place, at one time without a child or spouse in tow, we get together. And drink. Maybe light up the dubage. But, most importantly, we get together and exchange notes.

On those nights, we ask, “How do you juggle it all?” which is quickly followed up with “… because I suck at it, and I think you’re doing a better job than me. Please give me some insight.”

I think the more painful question that needs to be addressed here isn’t, “How do you juggle it all?” but rather, “Why do you work?”

That one goes right to the heart. That question rips open the jugular. Blood and tears spew. It hurts! It’s more painful than tiny Legos on bare feet or a poorly aimed Nerf dart.

That’s the worst question, ever.

I’m lucky that I gave birth to my two boys when I lived in L.A. When I had my first child, my besties were awesome. They visited. They cooked. They helped and loved me when the hormones did a mind-f*** on me. Some of these women were wives of entertainment execs, some were entertainment execs, some were co-op hippy moms, some were non-moms, and some were even stay-at-home dads (i.e. comedians or musicians). I could always count on them to say “good job” if I managed to shower and put on clean underwear that week.

Then I moved to Northern Virginia (NoVA to the elitists) just outside of D.C. for a brief stint to mock the politicians. In my first week there, I developed a severe case of culture shock. Two women on their morning walk passed by my house and mentioned that another neighbor is a working mom. The response was, “She’s a working mom? She should burn in hell for that.”

Holy Mother of Working Mother Magazine! I couldn’t believe I heard that!

Two weeks later, I had a painful experience (worse than scrapbooking) of listening to another elite NoVA mom go on an insane rant about another working mom, saying that Working Mom’s children will grow up to be drug addicts and rapists.

Clearly, I wasn’t in L.A. anymore. I was living in a culture where women stayed at home, living at their children’s beck and call. On those rare occasions when I’d meet up with another working mom/comedian, we’d get that look in our eyes and blurt out, “How do you juggle it all?” It was so refreshing to exchange tips and pointers. It became our stand-up fodder. It became our bible, our mantra, and our meditations, until we’d meet again on the circuit.

Those moments gave me the strength to stand up to the biting question of “Why do you work?”

At first I would respond with,
-    Because I love to work. Happy mommy, happy baby!
-    Because the extra income affords us the kick-ass bouncers for the birthday parties.
-    How else can I afford a house cleaner?

However, that didn’t quell the stay-at-home moms’ thirst for an argument. So then I would respond,
-    Because I hate scrap-booking.
-    So I can afford organic. 
-    All the moms are doing it now! You should try it; you might learn some social skills.

Finally, during my last year in NoVA, I grew bitter. I would just blurt out,
-    I work because I know it annoys the hell out of you.

The irony, now, is that many of those moms are now working because of our current recession.

 

“Why do you work?” is a question that implies that moms are neglecting their children. It takes the mindset back five decades to an age where men went to work and women stayed home. If a married woman worked it wasn’t out of necessity, it was out of choice. The race for the glass ceiling was on while moms’ humming, “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar,” placed their babies in daycare facilities to stew in their diapers. The horror!

What many stay-at-home moms don’t understand is that it’s a frickin’ community. Whatever way we can raise our kids in a happy, healthy, nurturing environment, we should do it. If Mary works 10 hours a day, while her child is in daycare learning sign language and Mozart, and Kathy pops in and out all day between acting gigs, and Stephanie stays home breast feeding four children simultaneously, if all the babies are happy, what does it matter?! We’re moms. We need to work together and stop scrutinizing each other for working. Good God. It’s not like we’re snorting cocaine and pole dancing in the clubs!

 

Gratefully, I am now back in L.A. and surrounded by my besties who don’t care if I work or not, who give me kudos for being a good mom, and who occasionally congratulate me on bathing. 

Succinctly, Tina, when someone asks you how you juggle it all, he is impressed with you and your ability to be a prominent, successful, and hard working mom. She is probably an insanely busy and tired parent looking for insight, someone like me - who adores you, considers you to be her hero, would give her left titty to hang with you for 15 minutes, and who genuinely believes that you deserve every single accolade you’ve ever won simply because you f***ing rock.

We just want to know how you do all the awesome work you do and still manage to be a great mom (i.e. you remembered to put your daughter’s library book back in her backpack!) Ms. Fey, it is nothing but sincere, it is nothing else but a compliment when we ask you, “How do you juggle it all?”

Just say, “Thank you.”

Comments

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[Jennifer Pereyra]

Your post was hilarious and true, all at the same time!

I was recently asked to comment on what I thought about the latest article that is out there suggesting that the children of working moms are more obese than those of stay at home moms. My response, well, I don't suppose it was much cared for, in that I said I felt that the clinical study they were referencing was being sensationalized so as to grab headlines. Well, needless to say, I don't think that made me any friends in mainstream media. Seriously though, I couldn't agree more with you when you say that we are all moms working to achieve the same goal which is happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. It torments me that there are people out there that thrive off of putting into print those opinions that further deepen the divide amongst us mothers. When will everyone stop for a moment and realize that we all have much to learn from each other to the benefit of our children we all love so dearly?!

Jennifer Pereyra
Author, Mommy & Daddy Work to Make Some Dough
Follow me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/jpauthor

[Andrea]

I remember reading a study that theorized that it was the quality of time spent with our children that mattered much more than the quantity... Their stats suggested that when a working mom knew that she only had limited hours to spend with her kids, she'd make the quality of those hours really good.

In the end, happy babies are what matter!

Both of my parents worked full time when I was growing up and I never resented them for it... They were out there saving lives. And I don't feel like I got an iota less of love, time or attention than I deserved... Mom was there at the recitals with the video camera. Kids who are happy and well-adjusted and know their parents love them can deal with just about anything.

[Marie]

Love love love the blog. You are da bomb Gab. While neither in NoVA or LA-la land, I feel the pain of women around me who have to defend themselves because there are a fair number of a-holes out there who think THEIR way is the ONLY way. I say Moms with a full life by whatever means are giving their kids a great example to aspire to later in life.

[Cindy]

Thanks so much Gabby! As a newly transgendered mom with three toddlers in West Hollywood I totally get it. I couldn't juggle well with one or two, but now with three I'm hitting my juggling stride. I can't imagine life without a loyal cadre of besties!

[Kathy]

Great job Gabby!

[David]

Almost as sad as a President sitting with a supposedly respectable journalist and answering questions like "why do people hate you?"

[Barbara]

Loved it. I'm not a mom, but I remember back in the day growing up in the "me" generation, women wanted it all, kids, work, and working moms used to look down on the stay at home moms. It's interesting to see the reverse (at least geographically speaking). But your point of moms (and women, generally) are a community is so true, and ought to be honored. We should support each other no matter what. And, yes, Tina Fey f*ck'n rocks.

[Austin Girl]

Good post. Tina probably manages to do it all with the help of personal assistants, housekeepers, nannies, etc. You are a strong, talented woman. I think you're terrific. Keep up the good work lady!! LOL. "I work because it annoys the hell out of you." OMG. Funny!!

[Katie]

LOL! I think I've congratulated you on bathing once or twice. As a sleep deprived mom, I think I could misconstrue any question, so I see Tina Fey's point.