Marriage Doesn't Fix It

I love Tracy McMillan's (TV Writer, Mad Men, United States of Tara) recent article in the Huffington Post titled Why You're Not Married.

I found myself arguing with these thoughts as they taunted my non-marital status during the late 80s and early 90s. To make it worse, I lived in L.A., where finding a decent man with decent values was like looking for a cross-dressing, disco-dancing transvestite in a convent.

McMillan’s rationale frighteningly sums up the character flaws that many of us women have thought to possess at one time or another. Lucky for Tracy, she was born knowing how to get married. Unlike myself.

I was born knowing how to be alone. Surrounded by siblings, I found comfort in my own room. Once I was in college, I loved living alone. It was just my cat and me. In a clean apartment with vaulted ceilings and brand new carpeting. It was heaven! I could study in silence. I could watch what I wanted. I could even argue with myself in silence. To this day, my husband prefers that I never mention my beloved apartment. He considers my single abode as my one and only true love, and as such, is jealous of it. He could catch me kissing an old boyfriend, and it wouldn’t faze him.

However, if I mention the apartment, the fangs of jealousy come out!

That being said, whether knowing how to be married or knowing how to be single, I have devastating news ladies: the flaws that McMillan points out are flaws that we possess even when we ARE married.

Let’s go down the list, shall we?

1. You’re a Bitch.

You’re angry.

McMillan writes that when you’re single, you don’t think you’re angry. However, once you’re married, you KNOW you are angry. You go from being angry with your mom, Sarah Palin, mass consumerism, etc., to being angry with your husband, the laundry, and the dishes.

McMillan states that men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. Kind of like their mother.

So, that’s what we become. Then we become overwhelmed with life. We can’t do it all. So, we revert to anger.

Let’s face it ladies, we’re bitches. We’re angry bitches, whether married or not. And, McMillan is right, female anger does terrify men. So, I say, kudos to the awesome men out there who are brave enough to deal with our anger, calm enough to quell it, and insightful enough to see the beauty in our beastliness and love the angry bitches that we are.

This is why they occasionally deserve Steak and BJ night.

2. You’re Shallow.

So, at one point in our singleness, we temporarily went from being shallow to being insightful. We realized that we needed to stop looking for that perfect man based on our extremely high standards. He no longer needed to make six to seven figures a year. He no longer needed to drive a sports car. He no longer needed to own a home in Beverly Hills.

Instead, we discarded our unreachable standards. We searched for men who could make us laugh, who were thoughtful, and who were smart. Moreover, they were!

Then, after marriage set in, we realized that our spouses were also human. Yes, human! That meant that those reachable standards were falling lower. So they don’t make six to seven figures a year. But, that’s still no excuse to forget to buy the occasional flowers for us. And, so we married guys who didn’t wear Italian suits, but that’s no reason to now resort to the faded Hawaiian shirts, shorts and (aagh!) black socks with Nikes. Don’t even get me started on the bathing thing.

So, we revert to shallowness. They piss us off; we run out and buy clothes. What could be shallower than spending the water bill money on a Dolce and Gabbana dress that not only makes our butt look small, but ALSO makes our boobs look huge! Yes, we are shallow.

Always was. Always will be. And, they still choose to love us.

3. You’re a Slut.

When we were single, we went on dates with guys to get drunk and get laid.

Now that we’re married, we go on dates with our husbands to get drunk and get laid.

And, we still dress up.

Yep, we’re sluts.

4. You’re a Liar.

OK, so we weren’t honest up front when we met our now-spouses. We never told them we were looking to marry.

It was all about “fun sex” for the guys, while we lured them into the relationship trap.

Now that we’re married, we still do it! Except now, the lies are easier because we are well practiced.

  Ladies, does this one sound familiar? “Honey, I’m really tired tonight. I promise we’ll make love this weekend.” C’mon. You know very well that you’ll be “really tired” Saturday night as well.

Here’s my personal favorite lie, “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot to wash your black socks.”

I didn’t forget. I’m just a liar.

5. You’re Selfish.

McMillan writes that married women, especially with kids, are selfless because we have way too much shit to do.

That’s not true. We’re selfish, too.

Case in point: girls’ night out. Don’t fuck with girls’ night out.

Every man knows that if he’s not home on time for his wife to go to girls’ night out, he will be facing weekend castration.

But, when a hubby can’t make poker night? That’s not our problem.

We’re still selfish.

6. You’re Not Good Enough.

Those icky feelings never go away. Even after 14 years of marriage, I personally still never consider myself good enough. Ever.

I insult my husband when I’m tired. I yell at the kids when other moms would intelligently pick their battles. I feed the family McDonalds.

I’m a freelance writer, not on staff, because it allows me to be there for my kids. In other words, I have a huge gap on my resume. And, once they are old enough to take care of themselves (i.e. 30 years old), I may not be good enough as a staff writer anywhere.

Insecurity is part of being human. This also leads me to believe that Tony Robbins is not human. I digress.

Marriage fixes nothing. It only accentuates our shortcomings. Those faults will always be part of us, whether we are the husband, or the wife, or the husband’s husband, or the wife’s wife. Whether single or married, we are all loaded up with messed up, emotional baggage. We just carry that stuff into the marriage. Nothing changes. Unless we want it to.

McMillan writes that marriage is a “long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it.” I love that!

I think that’s true for non-marriage as well.

I don’t have it figured out as to why some people are married and some are not. I don’t even know why some marriages last and some don’t. But, I do know one thing: life itself is a “long-term opportunity” to commit to loving ourselves. Even when we don’t deserve it.

Dear God, now I sound like Tony Robbins.

Comments

[Susan]

I think the trick is to shed our bad traits and focus on being kind and considerate, whether married or not. I'm a single mom not by choice. My husband left me. So I was thrust into a selfless lifestyle. I get so jealous when my single, child-free girlfriends act selfishly, but then I realize that I need to do that more often. Then they get jealous of me because I get the best hugs at the end of the day. Ha. The grass is always greener, isn't it?

[M]

"That's right we deserve Steak and BJ day. Weekly. :)"

Yeah, Jim, that's all fine -- but there are a few little prerequisites th Like, a whole paragraph full of them.

I get the feeling you'd prefer that we just skip to the bottom.

Or maybe you'd prefer a woman who doesn't know how to read the fine print.

Never mind the question of whose paycheck is actually paying for the steak.

[Bobo Jo]

Likewise, men who never marry have exactly the same traits as men who marry. I so wish that marriage changed us.

[Tina G.]

"Nothing changes. Unless we want it to."

Wow! Powerful!

[Jim]

That's right we deserve Steak and BJ day. Weekly. :)

[Katie]

Hmmm. I think I'll just hold out for the transvestite. Love it Gabby!