Gab's Blabs

Dear Tina Fey, what's the rudest question to ask a mom?

Oh, Tina Fey, I love you! I admire you! Next to my children, you are one of my greatest inspirations!

However, regarding your most recent article in The New Yorker, I must disagree. 

In your latest piece cleverly titled, “Confessions of a Juggler,” you write that the rudest question anyone can ask is not, “When do you plan to lose the baby weight?” but rather “How do you juggle it all?”

Um. Seriously?

I don’t know, Tina. For me, I would much rather prefer a question that garners my insight than to have someone insinuate that I have an ass the size of Texas.

Really? That’s an offensive question?

Maybe you need a girls’ night out with my besties. On those rare occasions, when me and my parent friends can align all the planets, part the waters, WALK on water for that matter, and arrange for all of us to meet at one place, at one time without a child or spouse in tow, we get together. And drink. Maybe light up the dubage. But, most importantly, we get together and exchange notes.

On those nights, we ask, “How do you juggle it all?” which is quickly followed up with “… because I suck at it, and I think you’re doing a better job than me. Please give me some insight.”

I think the more painful question that needs to be addressed here isn’t, “How do you juggle it all?” but rather, “Why do you work?”

That one goes right to the heart. That question rips open the jugular. Blood and tears spew. It hurts! It’s more painful than tiny Legos on bare feet or a poorly aimed Nerf dart.

That’s the worst question, ever.

I’m lucky that I gave birth to my two boys when I lived in L.A. When I had my first child, my besties were awesome. They visited. They cooked. They helped and loved me when the hormones did a mind-f*** on me. Some of these women were wives of entertainment execs, some were entertainment execs, some were co-op hippy moms, some were non-moms, and some were even stay-at-home dads (i.e. comedians or musicians). I could always count on them to say “good job” if I managed to shower and put on clean underwear that week.

Then I moved to Northern Virginia (NoVA to the elitists) just outside of D.C. for a brief stint to mock the politicians. In my first week there, I developed a severe case of culture shock. Two women on their morning walk passed by my house and mentioned that another neighbor is a working mom. The response was, “She’s a working mom? She should burn in hell for that.”

Holy Mother of Working Mother Magazine! I couldn’t believe I heard that!

Two weeks later, I had a painful experience (worse than scrapbooking) of listening to another elite NoVA mom go on an insane rant about another working mom, saying that Working Mom’s children will grow up to be drug addicts and rapists.

Clearly, I wasn’t in L.A. anymore. I was living in a culture where women stayed at home, living at their children’s beck and call. On those rare occasions when I’d meet up with another working mom/comedian, we’d get that look in our eyes and blurt out, “How do you juggle it all?” It was so refreshing to exchange tips and pointers. It became our stand-up fodder. It became our bible, our mantra, and our meditations, until we’d meet again on the circuit.

Those moments gave me the strength to stand up to the biting question of “Why do you work?”

At first I would respond with,
-    Because I love to work. Happy mommy, happy baby!
-    Because the extra income affords us the kick-ass bouncers for the birthday parties.
-    How else can I afford a house cleaner?

However, that didn’t quell the stay-at-home moms’ thirst for an argument. So then I would respond,
-    Because I hate scrap-booking.
-    So I can afford organic. 
-    All the moms are doing it now! You should try it; you might learn some social skills.

Finally, during my last year in NoVA, I grew bitter. I would just blurt out,
-    I work because I know it annoys the hell out of you.

The irony, now, is that many of those moms are now working because of our current recession.

 

“Why do you work?” is a question that implies that moms are neglecting their children. It takes the mindset back five decades to an age where men went to work and women stayed home. If a married woman worked it wasn’t out of necessity, it was out of choice. The race for the glass ceiling was on while moms’ humming, “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar,” placed their babies in daycare facilities to stew in their diapers. The horror!

What many stay-at-home moms don’t understand is that it’s a frickin’ community. Whatever way we can raise our kids in a happy, healthy, nurturing environment, we should do it. If Mary works 10 hours a day, while her child is in daycare learning sign language and Mozart, and Kathy pops in and out all day between acting gigs, and Stephanie stays home breast feeding four children simultaneously, if all the babies are happy, what does it matter?! We’re moms. We need to work together and stop scrutinizing each other for working. Good God. It’s not like we’re snorting cocaine and pole dancing in the clubs!

 

Gratefully, I am now back in L.A. and surrounded by my besties who don’t care if I work or not, who give me kudos for being a good mom, and who occasionally congratulate me on bathing. 

Succinctly, Tina, when someone asks you how you juggle it all, he is impressed with you and your ability to be a prominent, successful, and hard working mom. She is probably an insanely busy and tired parent looking for insight, someone like me - who adores you, considers you to be her hero, would give her left titty to hang with you for 15 minutes, and who genuinely believes that you deserve every single accolade you’ve ever won simply because you f***ing rock.

We just want to know how you do all the awesome work you do and still manage to be a great mom (i.e. you remembered to put your daughter’s library book back in her backpack!) Ms. Fey, it is nothing but sincere, it is nothing else but a compliment when we ask you, “How do you juggle it all?”

Just say, “Thank you.”

Palin's Masses are Asses

First, she was a hockey mom pit bull with lipstick. Now she’s a tea swilling grizzly bear. What’s next for Ms. Palin and her dysfunctional brew as she attempts to reach the masses that are asses?

Conveniently, her ex-prego teen daughter continues to woo sedentary audiences with her second rate dancing skills. Ooh, there’s an enticing audience! It would only make sense to whore her daughter out as a dancer in a monkey suit! How fucking adorable! Just watching that particular dance alone made me want to join the Tea Party. OK, not really. Nor did I want her to win that night. DWTS isshow's rigged anyhow.

 

But, that just wasn’t enough. We need more, Ms. Palin. We need another reason to sit in front of the TV and watch more meaningless shit!

I got it. A travelogue show on a “learning channel” show. Nothing says “look at us” like a gun-toting, dysfunctional family. Also, nothing says “void of political know-how” like a family that touts Alaska as the “last frontier.” Um … I thought space was the last frontier. Such a shame we couldn’t put the Palins on a rocket and have them host a travelogue show from Jupiter. Such a shame.

 

Nevertheless, isn’t this the same channel that airs Infomercials through the night and “17 Kids and Counting,” then “18 Kids,” and now “19 Kids and Counting?”  So, clearly, as has been mentioned by many others (I can’t take credit for this one), TLC viewers are learning from the Duggars that a vagina can also double as a clown car. TLC: Education for the asses, more viewers for Palin’s masses.

What about those, Ms. Palin, who’d rather spend their evenings on Facebook instead? What do those asses do?

I got it! They can “friend” Bristol Palin, so that they too can tune into Palin Jar’s sophomoric rage! Yet another appeal to the masses that are asses, because only an ass would refer to someone they disagree with as a faggot. Come on, Bristol! Didn’t your mom, with her 10+ years in 4+ colleges, teach you how to cleverly insult someone?

Though this all may seem meaningless, I am a bit worried. Palin is gaining steam as she prepares for Train Wreck 2012. She’s gathering and using tools that will help her appeal to that large percentage of America that think like sixth graders. And it’s working. A polling by Quinnipiac University shows that Palin’s followers are uneducated Republicans. Additionally, the Institute for Research and Education on Human Rights show that the Tea Party Patriots have doubled in numbers over the last six months.

In the end, the Palins will continue in their strange ways to appeal to America. If they screw up, they’ll apologize. People will forget. Case in point … Michael Jackson. It’s sad that he died. But he still molested children. The proof was there.

Yes, we live in an age of immediate satisfaction. But that doesn’t mean we should also immediately forget the stupidity of those who choose to be our leaders. Let’s consider these key Palin memorables:

-       She fired the town librarian after the librarian disagreed with Palin’s censoring of certain books.

-       She vetoed legislation for wind and solar energy. And for those bears that got in the way of her oil drilling, she’d just shoot at them from a helicopter.

-       She had the police chief of Wasilla charge women $1,200 for their own rape test. If she advocates women’s rights, then why would she make women literally pay for a senseless infliction?

-       She quit her term as Governor to pursue the completion of her book. I guess her Third Grade lessons on stick-to-itiveness went something like, “Winners never quit, unless you’re embarrassed by your last political run and would rather publish a book.”

-       Finally, if we consider Unfunded Pension Obligations, Alaska leads the way with a 70% debt-to-GDP ratio. Looks like it’s not “her Alaska” anymore. Now, I know many of you are thinking, “We can’t blame that on her. The economy was failing.” However, consider this: When she started as Mayor of Wasilla, the small town had a small debt of $1 Million. When she moved on to Governor, she left the mayoral office with a city debt of $22 Million primarily because of a sports arena and a public works project. I guess she figured that she wanted to do it G.W. style, but war with Canada would be fruitless.

So, here we are, onlookers of her stupidity and lack of substance. For some, it’s entertaining. But for others, all this “appeal to the masses” is defining how many think and live. As asses, they can’t think for themselves, and so they turn to sedentary media manipulation. I’m just so grateful that at least a small portion of the country can see this woman for who she really is: an undependable, unreliable phony.

Tips on Surviving the Great Depression

I’m a writer, which according to my mom, is a nice hobby.

According to my mom, I “own” a PR/Communications business, which according to me is an impressive way of saying “I can do anything with words, even prostitution. Just pay me. Any amount will do.”

So, how does a writer get through this depression?

Well, what follows is my six-point strategy for making and/or saving and/or wanting money and still having time for hanging out at Facebook (or FunnyOrDie, or MySpace, or the local Dominos, which, in my case, happens to have a broken Galaga arcade game where I can get multiple games for free).

Point One: Advertise your services on Craigslist. On Mondays, I advertise under writing services. If no work comes in, by Friday I go to eBay and sell off a wrench or two from my husband’s workbench.

What? That man hasn’t lifted a tool since George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, which by the way never happened.

Point Two: Save energy. Every day I go through the house and turn off every light, every electronic gizmo and unplug the items I’m not using. Then I lock myself in my office, and turn on my three computers, a printer, a television, a boom box, and an electric room heater to keep my office at a balmy 82 degrees for my pit bull/office mate and me.

Point Three: Scrimp on groceries. According to my mom, during the depression her family got by on potatoes and pasta. Yet, her family always managed to embellish these simple meals with meat that Grandpa would barter for with fruit that he stole from the local fruit vender. And, of course, Grandpa, as he did work for the bootleggers, managed to bring home the occasional bottle of brain-numbing liquid. This helped him and Grandma forget that there was a depression, which leads me to Point Four.

Point Four: Drink more. Ignorance truly is bliss.

Point Five: Don’t complain about the depression. We’re all feeling it – we’re all broke. Talk about the fun things – like getting lucky … or wanting to get lucky. Hey, maybe we’ll even be a little sober and might remember a few things you’ve said.

Point Six: Go into Bunker Mode. Again, advice from my mom: keep to your self and don’t make friends with strangers. People that you think you can trust will start to steal from you. That is unless you steal from them first. Yes, the best place to make friends is online, in the virtual world, where no one is really who they are. Finally, it’s acceptable to have invisible friends!

So there you have my six-point strategy for surviving the Great Depression of the 21st Century! Please, if you are an invisible friend, let me know how these tips work out for you!

Kanye performs during the DNC

Follow me as I report from the DNC in Denver! Visit www.ProjectBreakout.com/GabrielleBirchak2008

Kanye West will be performing at the EXDO Event Center for the RIAA / ONE Campaign on August 27 during the DNC. Risky move on RIAA's part. For all we know, Kanye might jump out on the stage at Invesco, right in the middle of Obama's speech, and demand that HE get the nomination. Could very well happen.

Denver Broncos to Patrol the Streets

View this and other blogs at www.ProjectBreakout.com/GabrielleBirchak2008

Well, it looks as if Denver is going to live up to its stereotype. Denver is going to have its police force on horseback. Nothing says "change" like being trampled by a horse.

More taxes?!!!

The first page at the New York Times online posts the headline New York Council Approves Congestion Pricing Measure on 30-20 Vote.

I just don't believe this! It's bad enough that I have congestion ... but now NY is going to tax me on my Vick's VapoRub!

Our Peri-Menopausal Planet

It's snowing in DC. Finally.

We had ONE snowstorm in November, and after that, the weather was trying to be winter. Today, a beautiful white blanket is covering the undead grass and trees with leaves. You know what means? It means I have about one more hour to finish this blog before some branch lands on a power line and leaves me with an afternoon of writing via old school – you know, pen on paper.

I have to say, I have been enjoying the warm weather this winter. But, those moments are quickly quelled by Eco-guilt. The devil on my shoulder says, "Ain't this great." But, the angel on my other shoulder, clad in an organic dress with eco-friendly wings says, "It's supposed to be cold. What are you doing to save the Earth?" At which point, I get up and walk through the house, turning out every light, including the night lights, gather empty soda cans for the recycle bin and stack all the paper printed on one side into a pile for re-use on the other side.

Ah, I feel better. OK, not really. The earth is heating up. I shouldn't feel good about this at all. To make it worse, even Weather.com, in some ignorant way, is teaching us to feel good about the Earth heating up. The next time you visit the site, pull up a ten-day report for your zip code. The drop down menu allows you to see your "fitness comfort" as it relates to the weather.

Since when should we be concerned about "fitness comfort?" Excuse me, but I seem to recall in the olden days (is "olden" a word?), when it actually snowed outside during the winter season, that people used to go to the gym, run on a treadmill while watching Gilligan's Island reruns, or even, if they had enough over-head space, jump with a jumping rope. WTF is up with this comfort level?

Global warming is not something that we have conveniently created so that we can be comfortable. We just can't take comfort to this level of eco-destruction. Because, believe me, this "comfort level" will be temporary. After that, it will major shifts in temperatures, the end of rain forests, deaths of habitats and endangered animals, the rising of oceans, and the end of Florida (see Scientific American February 2008 – On News Stands Now!).

I can't believe, in my lifetime, that I'm watching the northern ice caps dwindle into a place where people can go boating for fun. This is not fun. This is not even cool, pardon the pun.

So, before I get off my soapbox, I just want to challenge you today to step out of your "comfort level" and pick one, two, or maybe even 12 things you can do to slow down our Peri-menopausal Planet.

Then, take it one-step further. I challenge you. Practice sustainability. Don't buy useless junk. Purchase products you can trade-up. For instance, Sony allows you to return their broken products to trade-up for a working item. Sony then takes those items and utilizes the parts, so that fewer items go into our landfills, which ultimately destroy our ozone. Here is more info: Sony Recycle

Finally, one more challenge, if you have the means to do so. Make your home eco-friendly. Install solar-powered panels, don't waste water, purchase eco-friendly water heaters . Oh, the list is endless.

Here are some simple things to do that helps. And believe me, every little bit DOES help!

I found this online:
1.    Turn off lights.
2.    Turn off other electric things, like TVs, stereos, and radios when not in use.
3.    Use rechargeable batteries.
4.    Do things manually instead of electrically, like open cans by hand.
5.    Use fans instead of air conditioners.
6.    In winter, wear a sweater instead of turning up your thermostat.
7.    Insulate your home so you won't be cold in winter.
8.    Use less hot water.
9.    Whenever possible, use a bus or subway, or ride your bike or walk.
10.  Try to buy organic fruits and vegetables if you're concerned about pesticides. (Organic food is grown without manufactured fertilizers and/or pesticides).
11.    Don't waste products made from forest materials.
12.    Use recycled paper and/or recycle it. Reuse old papers.
13.    Don't buy products that may have been made at the expense of the rainforest.
14.    Support products that are harvested from the rainforest but have not cut down trees to get it.
15.    Plant trees, especially if you have cut one down.
16.    Get other people to help you in your cause. Make and/or join an organization.
17.    Avoid products that are used once, then thrown away.
18.    Buy products with little or no packaging (I know, it's hard to do when you have kids!)
19.  Encourage your grocery store sell environmentally friendly cloth bags for people to use when they shop, or bring your own. (My local Trader Joe allows people who do this to enter a contest for free groceries for a month!)
20.    REDUCE, REUSE, & RECYCLE.
21.    Compost.
22.    Buy recycled products.
23.    Don't buy pets taken from the wild.
24.    Clean up dog poop with biodegradable poop bags.
25.  If you have a good zoo nearby, (if the animals are healthy and the zoo takes care of them), support it! Especially if they help breed endangered animals.
26.    Don't buy products if animals were killed to make it.

To Recycle your appliances if you are in Minneapolis or Los Angeles

For activists

Thanks for reading!

ALL the news in ONE blog! How convenient.

Warning: The Earth is Dying.

Meanwhile: Britney Spears drives through a red light.

Here we go again: Another oil spill. First San Francisco, then the Black Sea. Billions of sea life dead. Don't eat the crab!

On the flip side: Alicia Keys' MySpace sight is hacked.

Oh, but wait: Bush supports his relationship with Musharraf and calls him an ally, because he doesn't want to look like the fool spending $10 million on protecting Pakistan's nuclear warheads. That one doesn't make sense – considering Musharraf just released 28 Taliban soldiers from prison this week, put Bhutto under house arrest and imprisoned lawyers in Pakistan who support democracy. This is Bush's ally? This scares me.

Important! Norman Mailer, a man who stabbed number two wife (out of six) and believed that women should be kept in cages, died. Great writer … greater prick.

As a side note: Over one million people have died due to the Iraq war and 500,000 war veterans are homeless.

Hold the press! Stagehands blame Theater Management for the strike. Theater Management blames the Iraq war. Hey, the blame has to go somewhere!

Oh no! Date rape drug inside recalled toy Aqua Dots. I have to throw my son's toy out. He put those beads in his mouth. I know! Let's make the Chinese toy manufacturers eat the Aqua Dots, and then we'll prick them all!

But, wait: Jerry Seinfeld's Bee Movie brings in $26M over the Weekend. Meanwhile, Seinfeld promotes his wife's cookbook. I saw him on Letterman. It was a lot like watching QVC, "Now I'm selling this … now I'm doing that … go see my movie!" Ugh.

Meanwhile: South Africa displaces poverty-stricken post-apartheid residents in order to create soccer camps for the 2010 World Cup. Disgusting.

BREAKING NEWS! Victoria Beckham has a 23-inch waist. Who gives a f***. Apparently Barbara Walters does. Maybe Dan Rather should teach that old bag a few lessons on valuable journalism.

Today in the news: More children are left behind from the No Child Left Behind program. We're screwed.

Interesting! Giuliani, the cross-dressing ex-mayor of New York, gets evangelical support from Fat Pat Robertson. Eeeewwww!

Finally, we must not forget:

To thank our WWII veterans, who fought a war against a man who believed that his race and religion was superior to the rest of the world. At Hitler's command, thousands upon thousands of innocent people died. Hitler created a senseless war, to govern more countries, to own more resources, to boost Germany's defense spending, and to inflict his belief system on the rest of the world. The similarities are frightening, aren't they?

Woman arrested for making faces at dog

Maybe she thought he was protecting the donuts. Or maybe it was a twitch.

Boy Shoots Wild Boar

Breaking News!

Jamison Stone killed a 1,000 pound, 10’7” pig! I am not talking about Rosie O’Donnell here. This boar roamed wild in Alabama. Yes, I am certain we are not talking about Rosie O’Donnell. I had my fact-checker, Tad Twang, make sure of that.

Stone is an 11-year-old boy who claims that he, single-handedly, did the deed of killing this boar with a Smith and Wesson 500. According to some, this would be the largest boar ever killed. (For the record, a third party has not corroborated Stone’s claims.) It took eight shots to kill Wilbur. Interesting, considering that the Model 500 only carries five rounds. What a precocious boy Stone is, that he can load a Model 500 with such speed. Dad must be proud!

All here who think this story is true, raise your right hand, and repeat after me, “I will not believe everything I read. I’m going to learn to think for myself.”

Stone’s dad posted viewer comments on monsterpig.com, which are quite fun to read. It just reaffirms my view that guns and religion do go together. For the record, I don’t own a gun. Pray for my soul.

Rhonda Shearer of StinkyJournalism.org has done some fact checking of her own. Through her own resources and the resources of StinkyJ, they believe that Stone’s father doctored the photos to garner media attention. Jeremy J. Miller says, “It must also be said that Rhonda Shearer, our publisher and director of ASRL who reported this story, appealed to the Stones before our report ran (and before their appearances on several national television programs) to talk openly about the case. She was very clear about the intent of her inquiries and asked for more evidence by which to evaluate their claim. Mr. Stone told her that other photos at the scene had been destroyed because they were “unflattering” to  him.”

Unflattering? You think so? Well, the site was painful on the eyes. No, it wasn’t because I was appalled at the mindless slaughtering of a pig that was minding his own business in his own “home.” Nor was Mr. Stone’s Web site difficult to view because of the disturbing images of a dad so proud of his gun-totin’ son. No, the most difficult part of the Web site was looking at an 11-year-old with a DOUBLE CHIN!

 

Ya know, instead of pork tonight, maybe the family should opt for the all-you-can-eat salad bar at Sizzler. I hear on Saturdays, they have entertainment. That’s right! It’s called Miss Sizzler Saturday Night. While you eat, you can watch the lovely, large ladies walk back and forth to the salad bar. And back and forth. And back and forth.

Now, how can I garner this kind of media attention?