Gab's Blabs

Beer - for those Teachable Moments

On July 31, 2009, President Obama, Vice President Biden, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and police Sgt. James Crowley met under the guise of beer drinkers to observe what the White House is calling “a teachable moment.” I might add, in addition to the beer, they munched on peanuts and pretzels, perfectly aware that the odds of another goon choking on a pretzel while at the White House was pretty darn slim.

First, I’d like to give kudos to Obama for devising such a genius White House event. Every teachable moment should include a beer. Beer begets wisdom, which begets peace, which begets a nice long nap. Oh, I forgot, beer also begets nachos. That’s important to know.

So, what follows is my breakdown of current rifts in the United States, and the beer that I think would go well for each teachable moments.

U.S. – Afghanistan War – Since this war is actually the U.S. vs. Iraq War, because some goon believed that Iraq had WMD, this teachable moment should include a beer that really isn’t what it claims to be: Corona. That’s right. Budweiser strong-armed Corona and bought it out, which is exactly what Bush did to Iraq.

Illegal Immigration – Corona Light, of course. It’s the only thing that narrow-minded, racist Americans like about Mexicans. Wait – it’s not a Mexican beer. Never mind.

Neo-Nazi Movement – I believe that Obama should invite these skinheads to the White House for a Heineken and explain to them that they, too, are like Heinekens. See, they are Americans, who were made in America, but want to be German, much like the Dutch, who make Heineken, want to be German. Additionally, like the crisp Hispanic flavor of the Heineken, these Neo Nazi’s could have a little of the non-white blood in them, too.

Health Care vs. Republicans – Pipeline Porter would be ideal for this “Teachable Moment.” Pipeline Porter, made at the Kona Brewery in Hawaii, is made with coffee. So, you can’t get drunk – just slightly buzzed with a rapid heartbeat. It gives a completely new meaning to “Wake Up and Smell the Coffee,” which is exactly what the right-wingers need to do. They need to wake up and realize that America needs affordable healthcare. Period. End. Otherwise … there will be no beer. More people will get sick and die. And you can’t drink beer when you’re dead.

Palin’s Resignation – I think any beer will do for this Celebratory … I mean Teachable Moment. What have we learned from Ms. Palin? That true leaders can stand up to scrutiny and that faux leaders only do well with a well-crafted script. We’ve also learned that we should make fun of stupid people, because eventually they’ll run away. Cheers!

Beer is a gift of God, and I believe was never really valued as a teachable drink. Benjamin Franklin has even said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” In other words, teachable moments should be happy moments, draped under the influence of drunken denial and ignorance. Yes, I believe that that is what B.F. was trying to say.

Here’s to beer and wisdom!

Tips on Surviving the Great Depression

I’m a writer, which according to my mom, is a nice hobby.

According to my mom, I “own” a PR/Communications business, which according to me is an impressive way of saying “I can do anything with words, even prostitution. Just pay me. Any amount will do.”

So, how does a writer get through this depression?

Well, what follows is my six-point strategy for making and/or saving and/or wanting money and still having time for hanging out at Facebook (or FunnyOrDie, or MySpace, or the local Dominos, which, in my case, happens to have a broken Galaga arcade game where I can get multiple games for free).

Point One: Advertise your services on Craigslist. On Mondays, I advertise under writing services. If no work comes in, by Friday I go to eBay and sell off a wrench or two from my husband’s workbench.

What? That man hasn’t lifted a tool since George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, which by the way never happened.

Point Two: Save energy. Every day I go through the house and turn off every light, every electronic gizmo and unplug the items I’m not using. Then I lock myself in my office, and turn on my three computers, a printer, a television, a boom box, and an electric room heater to keep my office at a balmy 82 degrees for my pit bull/office mate and me.

Point Three: Scrimp on groceries. According to my mom, during the depression her family got by on potatoes and pasta. Yet, her family always managed to embellish these simple meals with meat that Grandpa would barter for with fruit that he stole from the local fruit vender. And, of course, Grandpa, as he did work for the bootleggers, managed to bring home the occasional bottle of brain-numbing liquid. This helped him and Grandma forget that there was a depression, which leads me to Point Four.

Point Four: Drink more. Ignorance truly is bliss.

Point Five: Don’t complain about the depression. We’re all feeling it – we’re all broke. Talk about the fun things – like getting lucky … or wanting to get lucky. Hey, maybe we’ll even be a little sober and might remember a few things you’ve said.

Point Six: Go into Bunker Mode. Again, advice from my mom: keep to your self and don’t make friends with strangers. People that you think you can trust will start to steal from you. That is unless you steal from them first. Yes, the best place to make friends is online, in the virtual world, where no one is really who they are. Finally, it’s acceptable to have invisible friends!

So there you have my six-point strategy for surviving the Great Depression of the 21st Century! Please, if you are an invisible friend, let me know how these tips work out for you!

If I were Obama ...

If I were Obama, with this being my first day in office, I'd remove all the bushes surrounding the White House. Maybe put in something that blooms, and changes and grows.

Of course, it would have to require minimum pruning.

What's in Your Bucket List?

I’m sitting in my office, multi-tasking, trying to write a couple of articles about Lincoln as well as watch We Are One – The Obama Inaugural Celebration. Tomorrow commemorates a huge, absolutely huge day. Barack Obama will become America’s first black president.

Unfortunately, I’m only catching glimpses of it as my cat keeps standing in front of the monitor. Why do they that?

Today is the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr. Tomorrow, Obama’s first day in office. We are witnessing a key moment in our lives that will be etched in history books to come. This is bigger than when Jimmy Carter was chased out of a boat by a rabbit.

It is about time that America rips up the race card and throws it out … along with Bush, thank you very much. Obama has broken barriers that were once in the history of America, insurmountable.

This goes to show me that nothing, absolutely nothing is impossible. Well, I may never get to be an astronaut. But hell, I could some day be a rocket scientist … I’ve only got about 1,148 semesters until I get my Ph.D. in physics.

I don’t know about you, but I’m inspired. This feeling of motivation I’m sure will be with me until I drink my third bottle of Corona tonight, which says a lot.

I’ve decided to revisit my bucket list. Two, no three, wait, no four items on that list stand out for me. One, blog daily – Guitar Hero will just have to wait ... for now. 

Two, give more of my money to the WWF … not the World Wrestling Federation. The other one - World Wildlife Fund. Although, I do enjoy an occasional smack down. So, maybe I will donate some money to promote a wrestler … what the hell.

Three, (oh, wow, there’s Bruce Springsteen behind my cat’s head. Einstein, LAY DOWN! What a great intro. I love a powerful gospel choir.) I plan to start singing again. I have a set of pipes (I once sang at a jazz festival with Ella Fitzgerald – highlight of my life) and dammit, I’m not going to die saying shoulda, woulda, coulda if you know what I mean. Mary J. Blige and Yolanda Adams are my greatest inspirations. I hope one day to inspire someone the same way. I hope that I’ll inspire them TO sing, and not to say, “That was terrible. Please tell me if I ever make a fool of myself like that.”

Four, community service, community service, community service. I don’t care what it is. Counting my children, I have six usable legs and six usable hands. When I think about all the wonderful things we could do for the community, I get stoked. Meals on Wheels, animal fostering, planting trees, reading to children, care packages for the homeless – the opportunities are endless.  

So, what has this momentous time inspired you to do? What’s on your bucket list? And what are your baby steps to accomplish them this year? And, most importantly, how do you plan to give back to the community this year? Ever consider the WWF?

Laugh - My Tribute to Funny or Die

Laugh. You didn’t lose your job today.

I have a laughing Buddha on my desk. I have three more in the entrance area to my house. I bought those over a decade ago, when I was a phase in my life when my mantra was “adaptation or die.”

That’s where I am now. There’s where the country is now.

I keep repeating the old mantra, “Never say die.” So, I guess my only choice is adaptation.

I’m not sure where many of you are right now, in light of this gloom and doom economy. I’m frustrated. I’m a struggling comedian and my husband could potentially lose his job. Everyone I talk to has either lost money in stock, lost a job or lost both. Some have even lost a spouse over the stress of the current economic times.

I couldn’t image what life would be without a best friend. Especially now.

The government, or the media, whichever you like to call that powerful propaganda machine that tells us how to think, is calling this a recession. I think they are full of shit. My father lived through the depression … he can see that this is a depression. OK, it was funny when defining whether the ex-president or governor inhaled or didn’t. But to “define” a financial mess is absolutely ludicrous. We’re in a depression. My friends are depressed, my parents are depressed, and the country is depressed. We’re in a screwed up depression. Period. End.

Where is this all taking us? It seems like there is so much gloom in the air that it’s sometimes challenging to breathe. How do we cope, how do get by. Well, I refuse to die. I’ve lost money in investments. My family needs to prepare for the worse, which means that I’m going to have to pass on a few “great gigs for free beer” in order to build up a savings in case my husband loses his job.

It sucks.

And I’m one of the lucky ones. I have friends that are moving their entire families back in with their parents. Now THAT’S a blow to the ego. My heart goes out to those folks.

How do we get through this? What’s the answer?

Well, my first response is get drunk and cry like a baby. Works for me every time.

But, there comes a time when we need to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. That’s the American way. That’s our ideology. That’s what Americans are famous for … that and Hollywood … oh, and porn. But, we ARE famous for the bootstrap thing. That is why so many people want to move here … because, dammit, we really believe that any thing is possible in this country. Anyone can be the next Will Ferrell, Tina Fey … or God forbid, the next Donald Trump, comb over and all.

Then, I think we need to turn to our own laughing Buddha. Things may suck. We may lose our jobs, we may lose opportunity because we’re swamped, keeping our financial heads above water. But, is it so bad that we can’t laugh – or at least smile?

There’s a lot to be said for laugher. It creates endorphins. It makes us feel good. For some, it encourages us to pop a cold one and relax a little, and bask in the feeling of denial. Nothing wrong with that.

I’m indebted to Funny Or Die. Being a writer having to step away from the stage and laptop for a while, I’m indebted that I still have a cheap place to go with a beer to kick back for a while. I’m indebted to the cool, invisible friends I’ve made here that support and encourage me. I’m indebted to Will Ferrell and the creators of Funny or Die, because, amidst this crappy environment that our country is living in, I have a place to laugh and make a complete ass out of myself.

So, my dear FOD friends, lets put our heads down, let’s get through this screwy financial mess, and in the meantime, let’s keep laughing.

Crackberried

Obama’s advisors are telling him that he may need to forego his Blackberry addiction. First his smoking, now this. In 2005, 2.5 million people used Blackberries. Obama is part of that statistic. Apparently, Obama made his addiction obvious at his daughter’s soccer game, when the media caught him in the middle of his crackberry habit. No sooner had he whipped out his unit than Michelle slapped him on the hands and told him to put it away. He quickly followed her orders … as a good husband should.

What I love about this addiction is that we don’t have to hide it, and those that look on aren’t judging us, but rather wishing they didn’t leave theirs at home.

Osterman Research conducted a study and found that about 25% of the workforce use mobile handheld devices currently and by the year 2010, that number should increase to about 40%. Also, about 50% of the nation’s users employ BlackBerries, whereas only 5% use iPhone. Looks like Apple better get its freak on.

I know, I’m so white.

Now this data is interesting – for those addicts who clearly weren’t thinking clearly and left their BerryBrain at home, 20% would immediately, without pausing, without passing Go, head back home to retrieve it. Nine percent would con a family member to bring it to them and 23% would alert friends, family, and possibly the media that they forgot their thinking devices.

But, here’s the research that I found the most intriguing:

- 79% checked email in the bathroom

- 77% while driving

- 11% while engaged in intimate behavior (that would be me)

- 16% crackberried during a funeral

- 41% while their commercial plane was in the air

- 94% during work nights or weekends

- 96% while on vacation

All of this leads me to wonder, does Obama take his Blackberry to the pooper?

Nightlife during the DNC in Denver

When I earned the opportunity to go back to Denver, the town I was born in, I couldn't wait to experience a couple of weeks out of the year in a town filled with wonderful people. Not only that, but I ran into people from my old stompin' grounds in the L.A. Valley!It was such a nice change of pace from some of the unscrupulous folk that I meet in D.C.

My experience at the Democratic National Convention was one that I will always hold dear to me. Here's one of my favorite clips from the DNC, where I met Amber Lee (aka Obama Girl), California Assemblywoman Nancy Skinner and musician Sky Nelson (www.skynelson.com).

Ruh Roh!

In tonight's debate McCain expressed, in a heartfelt way, that he is ALL for being a peace making nation. How ironic that this story should emerge tonight about McCain being linked to a group in the Iran-Contra affair!

http://www.examiner.com/a-1626975~McCain_linked_to_group_in_Iran_Contra_affair.html

The "Don't Blink" Bailout Plan

Oh what a mess we have woven. The Bush administration is trying to tie this mess all the way back to the Clinton era, when Clinton loosened restrictions on Freddie Mae and Frannie McMac. Bush was so caught up in his asinine war that he must have forgotten to tighten regulations on Wall Street. It must have been at the top of his list right before one of his many vacations, and he just figured he’d instate regulations when he got back.

So, let’s take a look at this beautiful bail out plan, complete with the following earmarks. 

- Auto racing tracks – we can now count on tax-free beer and sleeveless shirts that say “Squirrel – the other white meat.”

- Film and television production – by all means, we need to protect our propaganda machine.

- Wool research – because the simple process of shaving a sheep is not enough.

- Makers of “certain wooden arrow shafts” limited only to arrows that are created for children and are “5.16 inches or less in diameter.” Instated, because this country needs appropriate wooden arrow shafts in order that we, the taxpayers, can rest peacefully knowing that if an irate five-year-old little boy seeks retribution for a missing lollipop, he will only do minor damage to his little sister’s eye if that shaft is sufficiently sized.

- Tax breaks to litigants in the Exxon Valdez oil-spill case, who, by the way, have already been rewarded by the courts. So, this means more money for … Alaska! Isn’t that where McPalin governs?

Now, this part is interesting, because all revenue bills are supposed to originate in the House. This one originated in the Senate, but doesn’t appear to do so because it is attached as an amendment to a completely unrelated mental health claims bill. In other words, the bailout plan is supported by a need for mental health.

Additionally, this bill also includes a tax-extender measure. This tax-extender would pass on its own merits because it contains a temporary Alternative Minimum Tax measure that protects middle-class couples. If any House members oppose this bailout plan, and oppose tax breaks for wooden arrow shafts, they will be blamed for not passing the temporary AMT designed for middle-class couples. By the way, couples is defined by our constitution as marriage between one man and one woman. In other words, Lindsay Lohan need not apply. My first thoughts on this temporary measure: AMT - WTF?! My second thoughts on this tax-extender measure: Blackmail.

It seems to me as if the Senate is trying to manipulate the House into approving this clustermuck.

But, this is the way things roll in our government. Amendments and extenders are normal in the way we run things.

How do we fix this? Do we fix this? Or are things fine just the way we are?

If our elected officials were to fix this, how would they do it? Could we allow our President to make line-item vetoes? I don’t think that has never been instated, because that would give the President great power, much like a monarchy, and therefore imbalance the process.

What about one-item bills? In other words, each bill would have only one item. That would certainly simplify things, but would anything pass in the House or the Senate? If our government instated one-item bills, would we need a bigger government, to work around the clock constantly overseeing bills passed through the House and the Senate?

What if our government were to instate line item votes? Yes, vote. Not veto. Interesting how easily interchangeable those letters can be, hmmm? 

In other words, let America vote on the line items. That would certainly quell the lobbyists on the Hill, and maybe send them out into the country to see, first hand, what America really, truly needs. The only problem that I would foresee with that is that it would cost too much money in marketing and advertising to get people to vote more often. OK, what if we streamlined the voting process and did it online or by phone? That would allow for too much room for error. Then there’s Florida, where there’s always a voting mishap.

Something needs to be fixed as bills pass through the House. How do we fix this? How do we keep the lobbyists from lining the pockets of our Senators and House members? How do we get our needs to the Hill? How do we avoid unnecessary bills being slipped through the process under the guise of a covert amendment?

I’d love to read or hear your thoughts.

Sheryl Lee Ralph and Sen. Vincent Hughes

Though it's been a month since the DNC, I still feel inspired by the speakers, the excitement and the momentum that was created by a multitude of people who want more for this country.

My most momentous occasion was being inside the Pepsi Center and hearing the crowd roar during Hillary Clinton's speech. Everyone agreed, she looked and spoke presidential. It was essential to us that we heard her speak about Barack Obama, and our need to vote for him. She did an extraordinary job!

My second most momentous occasion was losing my crew! We became separated as they were gathering footage of the outside of the Pepsi Center. I always tell myself, there is a reason for everything. I was a little frustrated because I desperately needed a camera to interview people walking out of the center, I truly wanted to her what others thought of Hillary's speech. So, as I was busy trying to find Jack and Larry Hammel, my crew, they were landing an interview that, to this day, gives me goosebumps every time I see it.

Jack and Larry spoke with Pennsylvania Senator Vincent Hughes and actress Sheryl Lee Ralph, and asked them what they thought about Hillary's speech. Ms. Ralph and Sen. Hughes spoke with the eloquence and excitement that the Obama camp is generating and spurring on. For the first time, after eight years, I'm finding hope in my heart for this beautiful country. Sen. Hughes and Ms. Ralph, thank you for giving Project Breakout your time and this interview.

For the rest of you viewers, enjoy this interview!