Gab's Blabs

An All New Gab's VBlabs: Circus Politics

 

Giving The Finger to Mother's Day

Grandma Maggie wanted to make sure I had the finger. She also wanted me to have her precious, faux-diamond studded, Bitch necklace.

I miss my Grandma so much.

She taught me to have a better comeback – always. Case in point: when I was 14, I said to her, “Grandma, how do you find an old man in the dark?” I knew that she would fall for the joke and that I would shock her! I just knew it!

“How, Gabby?” She smirked.

“It isn’t hard.” The punchline! With perfect timing! I waited for her to gasp.

She took a sip of her beer and nonchalantly said, “Oh, you’d be surprised.”
 
I have all her old Op/Ed clippings. Whenever a local politician pissed her off, she sat at her typewriter until a scathing, biting article flowed from the pages. Then she would send it off to some local newspaper. She kept all the clippings. When we would visit her beautiful home in Bailey, CO, I’d thumb through them with complete awe. That was what I wanted to be: outspoken and fearless. She was my inspiration. She still is, even more so.

This was where I learned the importance of speaking up and speaking out at injustice, or at least political stupidity. This is where my VBlabs stemmed from. Grandma taught me that silence is the enemy.

She found her true love on her fifth marriage. I think it was her fifth. Georgie … a Jewish beatnik.

They used to go out drinking and partying. Grandma Maggie had a reputation for dancing on the tables (always wearing her faux-diamond studded Bitch necklace).

Then she grew too old for that. So, she resorted to pottery. 

Even there, she never chose to follow the crowd. When the other blue hairs were making bowls or vases, she made The Finger. This is by far, my favorite sculpture, ever.

As she aged, she blossomed. One Christmas, as the family sat around sharing small talk, Grandma decided to tell all of us about her recent outing to the neighbor’s house to smoke pot for the first time. She even wore a “hippy” skirt to commemorate the occasion. I was so impressed! Here she was in her 70s, trying something new. Oh, I so admired that! I vowed then and there that when I grew up, I wanted to be like Grandma Maggie.

I was lucky. She came around for my cousin Nancy and me. The rest of the kids, not so much. Nancy and I were so fortunate to learn about this diverse, talented, social, outspoken woman. I consider myself lucky and blessed, so lucky and blessed to have had her in my life.

I can still hear her voice. I can still feel her holding my hand. I can still feel her presence and smell her perfume.

And, with each Mother’s Day, I miss her more. I miss her jokes. I miss her advice. I simply miss having her around.

So, this year, I’m going to give the finger to Mother’s Day, for Grandma Maggie.

I know she would be proud.

Palin's Masses are Asses

First, she was a hockey mom pit bull with lipstick. Now she’s a tea swilling grizzly bear. What’s next for Ms. Palin and her dysfunctional brew as she attempts to reach the masses that are asses?

Conveniently, her ex-prego teen daughter continues to woo sedentary audiences with her second rate dancing skills. Ooh, there’s an enticing audience! It would only make sense to whore her daughter out as a dancer in a monkey suit! How fucking adorable! Just watching that particular dance alone made me want to join the Tea Party. OK, not really. Nor did I want her to win that night. DWTS isshow's rigged anyhow.

 

But, that just wasn’t enough. We need more, Ms. Palin. We need another reason to sit in front of the TV and watch more meaningless shit!

I got it. A travelogue show on a “learning channel” show. Nothing says “look at us” like a gun-toting, dysfunctional family. Also, nothing says “void of political know-how” like a family that touts Alaska as the “last frontier.” Um … I thought space was the last frontier. Such a shame we couldn’t put the Palins on a rocket and have them host a travelogue show from Jupiter. Such a shame.

 

Nevertheless, isn’t this the same channel that airs Infomercials through the night and “17 Kids and Counting,” then “18 Kids,” and now “19 Kids and Counting?”  So, clearly, as has been mentioned by many others (I can’t take credit for this one), TLC viewers are learning from the Duggars that a vagina can also double as a clown car. TLC: Education for the asses, more viewers for Palin’s masses.

What about those, Ms. Palin, who’d rather spend their evenings on Facebook instead? What do those asses do?

I got it! They can “friend” Bristol Palin, so that they too can tune into Palin Jar’s sophomoric rage! Yet another appeal to the masses that are asses, because only an ass would refer to someone they disagree with as a faggot. Come on, Bristol! Didn’t your mom, with her 10+ years in 4+ colleges, teach you how to cleverly insult someone?

Though this all may seem meaningless, I am a bit worried. Palin is gaining steam as she prepares for Train Wreck 2012. She’s gathering and using tools that will help her appeal to that large percentage of America that think like sixth graders. And it’s working. A polling by Quinnipiac University shows that Palin’s followers are uneducated Republicans. Additionally, the Institute for Research and Education on Human Rights show that the Tea Party Patriots have doubled in numbers over the last six months.

In the end, the Palins will continue in their strange ways to appeal to America. If they screw up, they’ll apologize. People will forget. Case in point … Michael Jackson. It’s sad that he died. But he still molested children. The proof was there.

Yes, we live in an age of immediate satisfaction. But that doesn’t mean we should also immediately forget the stupidity of those who choose to be our leaders. Let’s consider these key Palin memorables:

-       She fired the town librarian after the librarian disagreed with Palin’s censoring of certain books.

-       She vetoed legislation for wind and solar energy. And for those bears that got in the way of her oil drilling, she’d just shoot at them from a helicopter.

-       She had the police chief of Wasilla charge women $1,200 for their own rape test. If she advocates women’s rights, then why would she make women literally pay for a senseless infliction?

-       She quit her term as Governor to pursue the completion of her book. I guess her Third Grade lessons on stick-to-itiveness went something like, “Winners never quit, unless you’re embarrassed by your last political run and would rather publish a book.”

-       Finally, if we consider Unfunded Pension Obligations, Alaska leads the way with a 70% debt-to-GDP ratio. Looks like it’s not “her Alaska” anymore. Now, I know many of you are thinking, “We can’t blame that on her. The economy was failing.” However, consider this: When she started as Mayor of Wasilla, the small town had a small debt of $1 Million. When she moved on to Governor, she left the mayoral office with a city debt of $22 Million primarily because of a sports arena and a public works project. I guess she figured that she wanted to do it G.W. style, but war with Canada would be fruitless.

So, here we are, onlookers of her stupidity and lack of substance. For some, it’s entertaining. But for others, all this “appeal to the masses” is defining how many think and live. As asses, they can’t think for themselves, and so they turn to sedentary media manipulation. I’m just so grateful that at least a small portion of the country can see this woman for who she really is: an undependable, unreliable phony.

Obama's Busy Day Full of Important Stuff

Start spreading the news, Obama’s in New York, attending the UN General Assembly. Unlike President Butt … I mean Bush, Obama will be sticking around for four days and three lovely nights in the Big Apple.

From what I understand, his calendar is chock full of important stuff. According to CBS news, he will be meeting with “Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama of Japan.” Not to be confused with Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama of New Jersey. BIG DIFFERENCE. Yukio of Jersey prefers sleeveless t-shirts and attending events like the Annual Weehawken Union Bowling Championship.

While meeting with Yukio of Japan at the Waldorf Astoria, he’ll be sampling the Bull and Bears yummy Tuna Tartare and the Ham with Par-magnesium Cheese. After chasing it down with a beer, he’ll mosey on down to the United Nations General Assembly at the UN Headquarters. You know, that place where Palin was so impressed with “all those flags.” My quotes, not hers.

At the UN General Assembly, he will do the complete polar opposite of our previous president – he will partake in a meeting with leaders of countries that provide peacekeeping troops only. C’mon, imagine it with me: “Whirled Peas.”

After the wreath-laying ceremony for fallen UN staff, he’ll chow down at a luncheon headed up by UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. Cool name. Rhymes with Banshi Moon.

After lunch he heads back to the Astoria. However, I am certain, somewhere in between those two places, he’ll need to grab a newspaper (maybe even a paper that Palin knows the name of) and catch up on his daily reading while taking care of his afternoon constitutional. Sorry, I’m a mom with little kids. The poop jokes come easy.

Medvedev doing his Ricky Gervais impression.

Anyhoo, back at the Astoria, before he meets with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, he will spend about thirty minutes practicing how to say Medvedevedevedevemedevedev. You get the idea.

Finally, at the end of the day, he and the missus are going to dress super spiffy and host a party at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. As expected, there will be signs everywhere stating, “Please Do Not Touch the Artwork.” For French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, the museum made a special sign to say, “Please Do Not Touch Other People’s Wives.”

Overall, it sounds like a day packed full of fun and gaiety for President Obama. I, on the other hand, need to edit a Web site, look for script doctor, edit a short, change Coo Coo and Fiter’s water (they’re Beta fish), and argue with my six year old at the dinner table to eat his string beans. Not that any one cares.

Beer - for those Teachable Moments

On July 31, 2009, President Obama, Vice President Biden, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and police Sgt. James Crowley met under the guise of beer drinkers to observe what the White House is calling “a teachable moment.” I might add, in addition to the beer, they munched on peanuts and pretzels, perfectly aware that the odds of another goon choking on a pretzel while at the White House was pretty darn slim.

First, I’d like to give kudos to Obama for devising such a genius White House event. Every teachable moment should include a beer. Beer begets wisdom, which begets peace, which begets a nice long nap. Oh, I forgot, beer also begets nachos. That’s important to know.

So, what follows is my breakdown of current rifts in the United States, and the beer that I think would go well for each teachable moments.

U.S. – Afghanistan War – Since this war is actually the U.S. vs. Iraq War, because some goon believed that Iraq had WMD, this teachable moment should include a beer that really isn’t what it claims to be: Corona. That’s right. Budweiser strong-armed Corona and bought it out, which is exactly what Bush did to Iraq.

Illegal Immigration – Corona Light, of course. It’s the only thing that narrow-minded, racist Americans like about Mexicans. Wait – it’s not a Mexican beer. Never mind.

Neo-Nazi Movement – I believe that Obama should invite these skinheads to the White House for a Heineken and explain to them that they, too, are like Heinekens. See, they are Americans, who were made in America, but want to be German, much like the Dutch, who make Heineken, want to be German. Additionally, like the crisp Hispanic flavor of the Heineken, these Neo Nazi’s could have a little of the non-white blood in them, too.

Health Care vs. Republicans – Pipeline Porter would be ideal for this “Teachable Moment.” Pipeline Porter, made at the Kona Brewery in Hawaii, is made with coffee. So, you can’t get drunk – just slightly buzzed with a rapid heartbeat. It gives a completely new meaning to “Wake Up and Smell the Coffee,” which is exactly what the right-wingers need to do. They need to wake up and realize that America needs affordable healthcare. Period. End. Otherwise … there will be no beer. More people will get sick and die. And you can’t drink beer when you’re dead.

Palin’s Resignation – I think any beer will do for this Celebratory … I mean Teachable Moment. What have we learned from Ms. Palin? That true leaders can stand up to scrutiny and that faux leaders only do well with a well-crafted script. We’ve also learned that we should make fun of stupid people, because eventually they’ll run away. Cheers!

Beer is a gift of God, and I believe was never really valued as a teachable drink. Benjamin Franklin has even said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” In other words, teachable moments should be happy moments, draped under the influence of drunken denial and ignorance. Yes, I believe that that is what B.F. was trying to say.

Here’s to beer and wisdom!

If I were Obama ...

If I were Obama, with this being my first day in office, I'd remove all the bushes surrounding the White House. Maybe put in something that blooms, and changes and grows.

Of course, it would have to require minimum pruning.

What's in Your Bucket List?

I’m sitting in my office, multi-tasking, trying to write a couple of articles about Lincoln as well as watch We Are One – The Obama Inaugural Celebration. Tomorrow commemorates a huge, absolutely huge day. Barack Obama will become America’s first black president.

Unfortunately, I’m only catching glimpses of it as my cat keeps standing in front of the monitor. Why do they that?

Today is the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr. Tomorrow, Obama’s first day in office. We are witnessing a key moment in our lives that will be etched in history books to come. This is bigger than when Jimmy Carter was chased out of a boat by a rabbit.

It is about time that America rips up the race card and throws it out … along with Bush, thank you very much. Obama has broken barriers that were once in the history of America, insurmountable.

This goes to show me that nothing, absolutely nothing is impossible. Well, I may never get to be an astronaut. But hell, I could some day be a rocket scientist … I’ve only got about 1,148 semesters until I get my Ph.D. in physics.

I don’t know about you, but I’m inspired. This feeling of motivation I’m sure will be with me until I drink my third bottle of Corona tonight, which says a lot.

I’ve decided to revisit my bucket list. Two, no three, wait, no four items on that list stand out for me. One, blog daily – Guitar Hero will just have to wait ... for now. 

Two, give more of my money to the WWF … not the World Wrestling Federation. The other one - World Wildlife Fund. Although, I do enjoy an occasional smack down. So, maybe I will donate some money to promote a wrestler … what the hell.

Three, (oh, wow, there’s Bruce Springsteen behind my cat’s head. Einstein, LAY DOWN! What a great intro. I love a powerful gospel choir.) I plan to start singing again. I have a set of pipes (I once sang at a jazz festival with Ella Fitzgerald – highlight of my life) and dammit, I’m not going to die saying shoulda, woulda, coulda if you know what I mean. Mary J. Blige and Yolanda Adams are my greatest inspirations. I hope one day to inspire someone the same way. I hope that I’ll inspire them TO sing, and not to say, “That was terrible. Please tell me if I ever make a fool of myself like that.”

Four, community service, community service, community service. I don’t care what it is. Counting my children, I have six usable legs and six usable hands. When I think about all the wonderful things we could do for the community, I get stoked. Meals on Wheels, animal fostering, planting trees, reading to children, care packages for the homeless – the opportunities are endless.  

So, what has this momentous time inspired you to do? What’s on your bucket list? And what are your baby steps to accomplish them this year? And, most importantly, how do you plan to give back to the community this year? Ever consider the WWF?

Crackberried

Obama’s advisors are telling him that he may need to forego his Blackberry addiction. First his smoking, now this. In 2005, 2.5 million people used Blackberries. Obama is part of that statistic. Apparently, Obama made his addiction obvious at his daughter’s soccer game, when the media caught him in the middle of his crackberry habit. No sooner had he whipped out his unit than Michelle slapped him on the hands and told him to put it away. He quickly followed her orders … as a good husband should.

What I love about this addiction is that we don’t have to hide it, and those that look on aren’t judging us, but rather wishing they didn’t leave theirs at home.

Osterman Research conducted a study and found that about 25% of the workforce use mobile handheld devices currently and by the year 2010, that number should increase to about 40%. Also, about 50% of the nation’s users employ BlackBerries, whereas only 5% use iPhone. Looks like Apple better get its freak on.

I know, I’m so white.

Now this data is interesting – for those addicts who clearly weren’t thinking clearly and left their BerryBrain at home, 20% would immediately, without pausing, without passing Go, head back home to retrieve it. Nine percent would con a family member to bring it to them and 23% would alert friends, family, and possibly the media that they forgot their thinking devices.

But, here’s the research that I found the most intriguing:

- 79% checked email in the bathroom

- 77% while driving

- 11% while engaged in intimate behavior (that would be me)

- 16% crackberried during a funeral

- 41% while their commercial plane was in the air

- 94% during work nights or weekends

- 96% while on vacation

All of this leads me to wonder, does Obama take his Blackberry to the pooper?

Nightlife during the DNC in Denver

When I earned the opportunity to go back to Denver, the town I was born in, I couldn't wait to experience a couple of weeks out of the year in a town filled with wonderful people. Not only that, but I ran into people from my old stompin' grounds in the L.A. Valley!It was such a nice change of pace from some of the unscrupulous folk that I meet in D.C.

My experience at the Democratic National Convention was one that I will always hold dear to me. Here's one of my favorite clips from the DNC, where I met Amber Lee (aka Obama Girl), California Assemblywoman Nancy Skinner and musician Sky Nelson (www.skynelson.com).

Ruh Roh!

In tonight's debate McCain expressed, in a heartfelt way, that he is ALL for being a peace making nation. How ironic that this story should emerge tonight about McCain being linked to a group in the Iran-Contra affair!

http://www.examiner.com/a-1626975~McCain_linked_to_group_in_Iran_Contra_affair.html